Three things that people pretend not to be trifling

I love to use the word "trifling" simply because it sums up exactly what most things are in just one word.  When something is trifling it is shady, a manipulative person or action, dishonest, and secretive. Here are a couple of things that I will always and forever consider to be "trifling."

Chris Brown

Honestly, you have a beautiful voice and you are nice to look at but the fact of the matter is, you beat Rihanna like she was another man on the street. A woman beater will always and forever be trifling no matter how hard they try to make a new name for themselves. Ladies avoid men like this. They will never change.

                                       When a man calls you after 1am asking to come over
When phone calls come in this late, trust me, you were not his first choice (and he knows this). What makes him trifling is him not even attempting to sugar coat this fact.

A way that this could easily be done is by throwing in a "I'm sorry I'm calling you so late but I've been at the library all night, I really just need to relax my brain. Want to go to the beach or something?"

This way, she doesn't feel cheap. Instead he decides to make it obvious that you are plan B, C, or even in some cases, D. Don't allow him to treat you this way when you don't have to.

This is also an opportunity to reevaluate the relationship and look for signs that you are The Side Chick .

When your "boyfriend" denies your relationship request on Facebook

Don't listen to him when he says that facebook is not important, because it is. 

As much as people try to fight it, they go to facebook for everything because it is the most important social network out there when it comes to your own circle of people. 

Most people will put something on twitter before they transfer it to facebook because more people are associated with facebook then twitter and they will definitely take what you say seriously. 

If he is seriously your boyfriend, then he needs to be your boyfriend everywhere; even in the social network world because that world, definitely exists.

Sex: It's complicated, but it's worth it

A guy once told me that sex complicates a relationship, changes the focus of the relationship, and it brings you two closer to having a deeper relationship. So I decided to break down each stage of a relationship to see if it's even worth it in the end.

Sex can complicate a relationship by inviting new feelings along for the ride (no pun intended).

For example, you two may agree on taking things slow and just see where they go but ironically enough, the minute you begin to have sex, those "I like him" feelings begin to transform into "nobody else can touch him because he's mine" feelings.

Now things get complicated because a second ago you were content with just "going with the flow" and now you're focused on trying to direct that flow in a certain direction which brings up the next point.

Sex changing the focus of the relationship.

The main focus should always be getting to know as much about the other person as possible. The more you know, the more you like or dislike the person; regardless of which one it is, you're never at a standstill.

You are constantly bringing new amounts of emotions to the relationship (love, excitement, hope, compassion, pride).

Sex uncontrollably changes the focus of a relationship.

You no longer care why his grandparents aren't happily married, for the time being, you're now thinking about the next time you two are going to have sex. Suddenly his past sexual partners are of great importance to you, and something keeps nudging you, trying to get you to ask the infamous question "where is this going."

In the end, sex ultimately brings the two of you into a deeper relationship (whether you want it or not) because of all of these factors so it is worth it.

Going out to dinner is not the only option for a date: Creative dates

As mentioned in my post The Happy Syndrome: Gaining weight because you're in a relationship going out to eat is one of the most typical date ideas that two people can partake in. Here are a few creative date ideas that will help you to broaden your dating horizons.

Listening to music:
Everyone loves all different types of music so why not tell a little bit about yourself by sharing the type of music that you're into. This is a great bonding opportunity that doesn't require any money to be spent.

Going to the beach:

Living in South Fl. the beach should always be one of your top date ideas (right up there with going out to dinner). It's an intimate peaceful setting that is also, free.

Dancing:
It's a great way to just have fun without having to think too much or answer those date questions like "where do you want to go in life." It's also an opportunity to rub up on your partner in public without people frowning at you.

Going to the park:
Here's another cheap way to get to know someone without many distractions. You could also incorporate some other date ideas here as well; such as playing cards, people watching, and most importantly, eating!

The song for the night is Wet the Bed by Chris Brown ft. Ludacris

While sitting inside of a meeting, waiting for it to start, I decide to listen to the conversation that the guy next to me is having on the phone.

I hear him say, "You're by my car? Where are you? Outside? Ok I'm coming out."

And when he came back, he came back with Chris Brown's latest cd, F.A.M.E. in his hand. I felt that I had no choice but to make a joke about him being a grown man, but buying Chris Brown cd's. After this comment, he proceeded to tell me exactly why he has this cd.

He was on the phone with a girl who told him that she wants to have sex to a song on the album and she was giving him the power to pick the song.

I then told him to let me know when he decides on a song and he chose Wet the Bed by Chris Brown featuring Ludacris.

I asked him why did he just choose one song to have sex to and he answered 

"because I don't like to have sex to music so I just made a cd, with the one track on it... so we started having sex with music, and we ended with screaming."

He continued by giving me a play by play (so I could get a better understanding of course)

"We began with foreplay, then stopped, pressed play on the song, began to have sex, the song stopped ...and we kept having sex."

The Happy Syndrome: Gaining weight because you're in a relationship

A friend of mine told me a story about this girl, who after a breakup, lost 60 pounds. She gained 30 of those pounds while still in the relationship. This is called, The Happy Syndrome.

The Happy Syndrome is someone gaining weight because they are in a happy relationship. Some people may call this being too comfortable but if the two of you are honestly happy, then I see no reason as to why not to get comfortable.

When in a happy relationship, the two of you can't get enough of each other! You begin rearranging your everyday schedule so that you can be together for longer periods of time.

And while together, what better thing to do then to eat.

In the courting stages, all a man ever wants to do is show that he has money by taking the female out to eat and all a female wants to do is show that she is "wifey material" by cooking for this new man.

The beginning stages of a relationship are something like a never ending rainy day. On a rainy day, people tend to partake in indoor activities in their best attempt to avoid the rainfall outside.

When in those beginning relationship stages, the two of you are just happy to be together so you'll stay inside all day and all night just to spend time together like watching movies and t.v. shows. You'll decide not to go to the club with your girlfriends and instead lay in bed all night with your new found boo.

No one is judging you because it's obvious that you are happy.

But, we all know what happens when you sit in the house all day: you eat. And when you sit in the house all day with your significant other, you do more than just eat:

This the schedule of a couples' "rainy day" while finally in the relationship:

• Sex
• Eat
• Nap 
• Sex
• Drink (alcohol)
• Sex
• Eat
• Sleep

(with a couple of laughs and showers thrown in there)

As you can see, you two are prone to eat before the relationship, the beginning stages of the relationship, and of course, while you're seriously in the relationship. You most likely will be gaining weight with all of this eating, drinking then sleeping but it's exactly what the Happy Syndrome is all about!

I say who cares if you gain a lot of weight, as long as you're happy.

Now, after the two of you break up, that's when your weight excuses have run out and it's time for you to run along with them and lose some of that weight! How else do you plan on getting your next man?

Making a checklist: Questions that will either make or break a relationship

This guy told me that one of the reasons why he has had only one girlfriend in his life is because he has very high standards for females that most of them can't reach.

For him to be 24 years old, and only had one girlfriend, I was instantly interested in what these standards may entail.

Deciding not to go too much into detail, he just gave me the two main points on his "Checklist" that are most important to him in deciding whether or not she is even worth his time.

1. Does she have a good relationship with her family?
2. What is her "body count?" (the amount of men she has slept with)

Now I already knew that the amount of men that a woman sleeps with it rather important to most guys, (despite the fact that men usually sleep around a lot more than most woman do) but to care about the type of relationship she has with her family, slightly took me by surprise.

I just don't know too many men that are honestly concerned about a woman's relationship with her family to the point where the "wrong answer" can make or break this newly found interest in each other.

So I began to think about my own checklist for a man, trying my hardest not to be biased or naive in making it, here's what I came up with (in no particular order).

Do you have any children?
I understand that people make mistakes but with children comes along a "baby momma" (if you're lucky, there's only one baby momma) and I don't have the time to be the topic of conversation as to why "this new lady is hanging around daddy" or "is she our new mommy?" I'm too young for that and I don't have to put up with it, so I don't.

Do you have a girlfriend?
This may seem like a foolish question but trust me, there are many instances where men will nonchalantly have more than one girlfriend. I believe in not beating around the bush so if I do come right out and ask yo

Why don't you have a girlfriend?
Most men will take this question as an opportunity to explain why all of his ex girlfriends are obviously crazy; while I'm listening contently and putting a little asterisk next to each point. For example, "man my last girlfriend complained way too much! And always about the same thing!" He unknowingly just told me "I don't listen."

Have you ever had sex with anyone I'm close to?
This is a major make it or break it for me. No one likes to feel like a last choice so if you had some type of relationship with a friend of mine, we have no hope.

When having to breakup with someone: Stop stalling and just do it

I remember telling this guy, who was asking for my number, that I'm still involved with my ex. He then asked me how long were we together and after I answered, he so graciously burst my bubble by giving me the relationship equation.

Take the time that the two of you have been together and cut it in half; that's how long you've been trying to break up with him.

After hearing this, I instantly disagreed with him and came up with a million and one ways to explain why our "relationship" was different.

Of course by the time I made it home, I realized that he was completely right but I was so pissed off that a stranger (who I had known for a good three minutes) was telling me something that my friends had been telling me for years.

It is absolutely true that most of the relationship is usually spent trying to figure out different ways to leave the relationship.

But why is that? What are we waiting for?

There are many excuses that people will come up with to justify them prolonging a breakup.

"I don't know how to say it"
"It's not the right time"
"His moms birthday is coming up"
"We've been together for X amount of years"
"He was there for me when I was going through (insert problem)"
"My cd's are in his car"


But what exactly are we waiting for?

For him to breakup with you first? For him to cheat on you? For him to transform into the person that you want to be with? Or for the classic, "perfect time?"

Please. Wake. Up.

There will never be a perfect time to breakup with someone and unlike your job, you can't give them a heads up by putting in a two weeks notice. Stop trying to make excuses and just do it.

Granted, no one wants to be that asshole to break someones heart but instead of wasting your time, energy, and in most cases money, be an adult and call it what it is: nothing.

Researching the past: What needs to be done before pursuing the relationship

When buying a used car, getting the cars' Carfax report beforehand can make you feel confident about spending your money on that car.

A Carfax is a vehicles history report from a nationwide database. It basically tells you where your car has been and if it is even worth buying.

After discussing this logic of doing your research before committing yourself to a car, I applied it to relationships.

A friend of mine decided to call it "Hoe Fax" but for the sake of not calling anyone a "hoe," we'll call it "doing your research."

When deciding whether or not you're ready to give someone the title of your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to make sure that a little bit of research is done on the person just to ensure that there aren't any surprises waiting for you in the future.

A surprise can be anything from finding out that the girl has experimented with the same sex or finding out that your guy had sex with half of the females at your church. Whatever the situation is, you may want to know about it before you two decide to go public and partake in Cuffing Season: The perfect time to be in a relationship.

Some ways that you can conduct this "research" is to ask around.

People gossip and they don't feel bad about doing so; so as long as the conversation is breezy and carefree, you might be able to get something out of it. When asking about someone's past, you never want to seem like you're gossiping, but instead, you're merely inquiring about someone for no apparent reason.

Wrong Way: "What do you know about Susan? Is she a hoe?"
Right Way: "I saw that girl Susan today... I've never heard anything about her. I wonder what's her deal?"

Going through a persons facebook tagged photos can also help someone get a good idea of that persons past. Granted, some photos could have been deleted as well as untagged but most of the time, a photo that seems innocent can be a link to something else.

Lets say you see a photo of Brian and a mysterious girl in a public place. The two of them are smiling and obviously having a good time. They aren't touching, there is no sign of sexual tension there, and it's pretty obvious that the two of them are just friends. (Or so it seems)

Taking it one step further by clicking on the girl and checking her photos, you might get lucky and come across some more photos of her and Brian (that he is conveniently not tagged in) taking their "friendship" to a new level.

When digging up someones past, you're bound to find something that you may not be able to deal with. It is up to you on whether you are willing to look past it or just give up altogether.

Keeping in mind that everyone does have a past (including yourself) which makes discovering those "hidden secrets" a bit easier and it helps you to come to terms with a fact that all women already know:

There is no such thing as a perfect person and this especially goes for men.

Drake- Marvins Room: When unavailability becomes appealing

It is human nature for people to want something that they can't have. In Drake's song "Marvins Room" Drake is drunk calling an old girlfriend of his who now has a new man in her life.

He goes on to tell her that he does not care about the relationship that she is currently in because she can do better by being with him.

There is always that possibility that what Drake is saying is sincere but what I would like to know is how he felt about the phone conversation the next morning.

Did he regret it or is it true that a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts? 

Side Chick Alert! Signs that you may be a Side Chick

As I mentioned in Friends with Benefits V.S. Sex Buddies , there are some instances where you could end up in the "Side Chick" category by default.

The example that I gave was the two of you beginning as Sex Buddies but because you're just having sex, he is able to get a girlfriend which will in turn make you the side chick; by default.

Nobody is blaming you, sometimes things just happen. We understand this and are willing to help you.

Here are some signs that you should look for if you're unsure if you're the side chick.

If he is only available on the weekends or on late nights: Men love to show off and the same applies to their woman. If he is never willing to go out with you during the daytime then you may just be the side chick.

You've never met any of his friends. As mentioned before, men love to show off especially if they believe their new girl is a great catch; so if you know everything about his friend John but the way his face looks, then you may just be the side chick.



He is able to get in contact with you but you can't contact him. Everyone has a cell phone that they keep on them at all times. If the only time the two of you are able to have a conversation is when he calls, then he is not only screening your calls, he has already deemed you the side chick. 

I asked my guy friend how would he describe a side chick and he used KFC as a metaphor.

He said to think of it as an order from KFC. You have the main meal (drumsticks and a thigh) but you have to have a side to complete the entire meal (biscuits).

The side dish is never as good as the main dish and it can't silence your hunger on it's own but it is something that you like and would miss if you didn't receive it.

If you realize that you may actually be the side chick, don't begin beating yourself up. Just try to keep in mind that a meal is never complete without its side.

You might also like:
The Side Chick  Are You Happily The Side Chick?

Having to kill a bug while being independent

This morning I woke up to a huge bug hanging out next to my nightstand.

I immediately got mad at the bug for being so rude to enter my room at this time of the day knowing that I would still be very groggy and slightly confused when seeing it.

After I began to wake up a little bit more and realize that there is actually a bug in my room, I jumped out of bed looking for something to kill it with, all the while saying to myself:

"This is some bullshit. I shouldn't be doing this. Where is a man when I need one."

The blog Sorry, but women are dependent on men states that a reason why women are independent (even if they are in a relationship with a man) is because  they are constantly waiting for their man to abandon them.

I have been told time after time that I have some very strong feminist qualities simply because I am all for independent woman not necessarily needing a man for anything.

Which is why I thought it to be rather funny that as soon as it was time for me to kill the bug myself, I began getting mad at some invisible man for not being there to do it for me.

A dependence on a man could easily get out of hand.

First you need him to just kill a bug, then you need him to give your car a jump, then you need him to decide on what the two of you should eat that night.

That might be taking it a bit far but is it too much to ask for a man to just kill a bug when needed?

Friends With Benefits vs Sex Buddies

Many people make the mistake of thinking that having a friend with benefits is the same as having a sex buddy.

These people are sadly mistaken.

A friend with benefits is someone that you go through every aspect of a relationship with but is only missing the title. The two of you have the strong dynamics of a friendship with sex added to it.

The blog Friends with Benefits: How Friendly? How Sexual? says that most people who engage in being friends with benefits end up remaining friends after the benefits come to an halt. 

The two parties engaging in this friendship with benefits, both have to be single and able to hang out with each other without an awkwardness getting in the way of their friendship continuing. 

This is completely different when dealing with a sex buddy.

The most work that a sex buddy has to do is be remotely attractive to the other person .

You don't have to agree with a sex buddies' views simply because the two of you shouldn't even be conversing to the point where you would even know what they are.

Although I don't condone cheating, if done correctly, your sex buddy could essentially be your "side chick" (the person on the side during a relationship).

There are three things that a sex buddy and a friend with benefits both have in common. They both need to:

1. Remember to stay in their place (don't overstep boundaries)
2. Remember that in most cases, the way a relationship begins is usually how it will end 
3. Remember to not get your hopes up or go looking for anything more than what it is, which is just sex.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate: When a woman is scorned

I briefly touched on the subject of a woman gone "crazy" in my last blog Is Cheating Ever Acceptable. This video clip from the movie "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate" may be an exaggerated example of a woman scorn, but it touches the main points.  

The main points being:

• It is never okay to play with a persons feelings
• A scorned woman does not come out of nowhere
• Don't tell someone you love them unless you mean it

Is Cheating Ever Acceptable?

Lets face it, everyone has cheated at least once in there life. If they say that they haven't then they probably never made it to high school.

The question is not a matter of who has cheated and who hasn't, it's all about what cheating is acceptable and which is not.

In all honesty, most of the classes that college students are required to take will be of little to no use in the future.

So does that mean that it is acceptable to cheat to get through those "useless" classes but not to cheat on the classes that you feel you will need later on in life?

Relating that back to relationships, is it okay to cheat on a female that you don't have serious feelings for but be faithful to the female that you find to be "the one?"

Of course not.

Things tend to get serious as soon as feelings are involved. If you decide to enter a relationship knowing that you don't like her then you're wrong from the beginning.

If you decide to stay with that female while having an affair with someone else then you are completely out of line and entering a territory that you do not want to mess with.

People don't appreciate their time being wasted or their feelings played with; which makes it slightly understandable for that female to begin acting, what some would call it, "crazy" all because of these games.

THIS BLOGGER thinks that there are ways to spot if your spouse is cheating. They give warning signs that show that they are possibly cheating.

I personally don't believe that a man buying you gifts automatically means that he is feeling guilty for cheating. There is always that possibility that he may just want to take care of his woman.

There are people who honestly believe that their cheating will never make it to the daylight. These people are so focused on today rather than the future that they never stop to think.

"What if when I do find "the one" and decide that it's time for me to be faithful to her, she would have heard about my cheating past and won't be able to get over it." Then what?

Do you proceed to explain to her that you were cheating on her because she "didn't count?" If that makes any sense to you then by all means,  go for it.

Just remember, people don't forget the way you treat them or others.

Cuffing Season: The perfect time to be in a relationship

The weather is getting cooler; the leaves on the trees are changing colors, leaving us with longer nights and shorter days. 

As the seasons change, people tend to go along with the changes, altering their priorities. This new found need for change is called “Cuffing Season.”

Cuffing season begins when the seasons change from summer to autumn and goes into full effect by the first day of winter.

Cuffing season is the time period where people sense the cold weather outside and decide that it is time to get into a relationship.

Women are no longer walking around with short shorts and bathing suit tops and men are no longer busy chasing those women. All of this leaves people with extra time on their hands in which they direct all of that energy towards being in a relationship.

There is something about the cold weather that makes people feel heavyhearted about sleeping alone at night.

The sound of the wind blowing outside of your window, the sight of your roommate cuddled up with their significant other on the couch, and that feeling of snuggling in your bed with a cup of hot chocolate … alone, can be a bit overwhelming.

Don’t allow the season changing to pressure you to jumping into a relationship.

A guy friend of mine made it clear to me that you can't just "cuff" (making someone your boyfriend or girlfriend) anybody. It has to be someone that you honestly like so you can make it through the winter together.

THIS BLOGGER gives great tips on how to improve a relationship. Whatever your reason is for getting into a relationship, make sure that you're not wasting your time while in it. 

Whether it be for life or for just a season, keep in mind that you can always learn from anyone who you allow to be apart of your life.

It Wasn't Me: Lying to save a relationship

I asked my guy friend how many different types of lies are there (in reference to a relationship) and he answered, rather quickly, "two." 

The lies you get away with and the lies you get caught telling.

Now why would someone voluntarily lie to his spouse is beyond me but he continued to explain that sometimes men have to lie in order to "save the relationship."

Below is a video by Shaggy titled "It Wasn't Me." The song is about a man (RikRok) who gets caught cheating by his girlfriend and goes to his friend (Shaggy) for advice. After he explains the story and the fact that he was caught "red-handed," Shaggy tells him that his best bet is to say that "it wasn't me."

In the end of the video, RikRok realizes how ridiculous he sounds telling his girlfriend that it wasn't him who was cheating even though she looked him in the face.

What I don't understand is why even attempt to lie in the first place? Granted we all make mistakes (some bigger than others) but when trying to fix those mistakes, wouldn't the truth be the first solution?

I began to attempt to break down the thought process of a man lying to save a relationship.

He cheats on his girlfriend so obviously he doesn't care about her,

Wrong.

Because when he gets caught cheating on his girlfriend instead of calling it quits he then tries to find a way to get her back so he obviously cares about her.

Maybe.

My guy friend ended his rant about lying when necessary with a simple, 

"Out of sight out of mind. What she doesn't know won't hurt her."

This could be true but in the end, when you really care about someone you shouldn't even put yourself in the situation that requires you to either tell the truth and hurt her or lie and spare her feelings.

The decision is yours.

Damsel in the bed: Asking questions to improve your sex life

As a child, we have been taught that there is no such thing as a stupid question. So when learning how to do something for the first time, we are prone to ask questions so that we can better ourselves in that specific task.

For example, the first time you learned how to drive a car.

You got into the driver’s seat expecting to make mistakes. No one blamed you because you happened to hit the curb a couple of times.

All of these mistakes and questions were acceptable only because you were still in the process of learning. By making these mistakes and asking questions, you eventually became a better driver.

So why is it that we as women forget to ask questions when it comes to sex?

In the time span of two days, I came into contact with two completely different females who both had the same problem: neither of them knew what to do when it was time for them to "take control" in the bedroom.

Wow.

This came as a complete shock to me simply because they are both sexually active and have been for a good amount of years.

I don't understand how you can go about making the same mistakes all because you are afraid to ask questions. 

One of the females said that when it's time for her to "put in work" she feels as though she is constantly doing it wrong while the other female says that she just lays there the entire time afraid to even make a mistake.

And again I say,

Wow.

If you feel as though you are responsible enough to be sexually active then you need to take it upon yourself to make sure that you are doing it right.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for the male as well as the female and unless you’re content with being chauffeured around for the rest of your life then you have to jump in the driver’s seat and ask questions.

Being able to perform exceptionally well during sex is not the only perk to asking questions. THIS BLOGGER gives many reasons why a women taking control during sex is a plus to both the man and the female.

Nobody wants to be that person who everyone hates because they drive 15 miles below the speed limit and keep their blinker on for no reason.

Stop waiting for the man to take you to your destination! Learn the rules of the road and apply them next time you decide to jump in the driver’s seat. 

The seven-day rule: Is there a deadline for dating romance?

A guy once told me that there is an invisible clock that begins ticking the minute you and another person decide to begin "talking" as more than just friends.

He explained that the two of you have seven days, from the moment numbers are exchanged, to meet up for an official or unofficial date.

However, if you two exceed the seven days without getting together, you will forever remain as just friends and the clock will then stop ticking and begin resetting itself for the next person.

There are many reasons why people end up in the "just friends" category. (Here's an interesting view from the guy's perspective.THIS BLOGGER says the biggest reason guys end up being "just friends" is because they make the mistake of acting like a friend instead of flirting.)

I've had a guy friend tell me that he entered our friendship with intentions to be more than just friends but after waiting too long to tell me that, he ended up settling as being my friend.

 Naturally, I began putting a time limit on how long it takes a guy to attempt to take the next step.

In doing this, my expectations gradually began to rise.

He sent me one text message today= friend.
We went out to dinner tonight= more than a friend.

This was all being done in hopes to meet that seven day deadline which I was already giving a warning about but in turn, I lost the desire to get to know him and discovered a new addiction to time.

As helpful as it may seem to have a seven day goal in mind when first meeting someone, try your best not to be so focused on the clock and instead focus on the reason for the clock ticking.